Trump Insists He Never Thought About Firinf Mueller Feeding Him to a Pack of Rabid Dogs
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Trump Insists He Never Thought About Firing Mueller, Feeding Him To Pack Of Rabid Dogs, Mounting Head In Oval Office As Trophy
Friday 2:31pm
SEE MORE: DONALD TRUMP
DAVOS—Maintaining that the notion didn't even cross his mind, President Trump reportedly insisted Friday that he never once thought about firing Robert Mueller, feeding him to a pack of rabid dogs, and mounting his head in the Oval Office as a trophy. "At no point did I ever consider firing Mr. Mueller, tossing his body to snarling, mangy hounds, and having his head stuffed and mounted front and center above the Oval Office fireplace," said Trump, dismissing several reports that he had ordered the special counsel to be terminated from his post and torn limb from limb by starving Rottweilers before nailing his skull to a wooden plaque, but backed off when a top White House lawyer threatened to quit. "It's also totally ridiculous to think that I would ever want Mueller gone for good, boiled alive, and chopped up into bloody chunks. The stories you're hearing about me trying to get rid of Mueller and then gutting him with a rusty ice pick are absolutely not true." At press time, Trump asserted that if he ever did one day decide to forcibly castrate Mueller and set him on fire, it would be fully within his authority as president.
https://politics.theonion.com/trump-insists-he-never-thought-about-firing-mueller-fe-1822461545
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NEWS
Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department
Wednesday 1:24pm
SEE MORE: REX TILLERSON
Shortly after finishing his Bob Seger number, Tillerson reportedly dashed into the John Quincy Adams State Drawing Room, hopped on the desk where the Treaty of Paris was signed, and struck several power chords on a flagpole.
WASHINGTON—Leaping out from behind a wall as Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll" blared from the building's intercom, a pantless Secretary of State Rex Tillerson slid across the waxed marble floors of the completely empty State Department, sources confirmed Wednesday.
The nation's top diplomat, clad in only a dress shirt, white tube socks, and a loose-fitting pair of briefs, was reportedly seen performing a variety of spirited dance moves throughout the labyrinth of abandoned offices and conference rooms, singing along into a rolled up foreign policy paper that also doubled as a makeshift saxophone.
"Okay Rexie, so you've flung pencils into the drop ceiling of the Counterterrorism Bureau, made a lasso with the flags in the Hall of Allies, and karate-chopped through all those dumb old paintings in the lobby—what's on tap next?" Tillerson said, pausing to eat from a stray bucket of KFC before pitching a bundle of newly issued passports into the trash bin. "From downtown….it's good! And the crowd goes wild!"
"Wooo!" he continued.
Sources confirmed that after realizing he was the sole occupant of the Harry S. Truman building at approximately 1:30 p.m., Tillerson first began entertaining himself by dancing on a computer terminal in the vacant Office of Emergencies in the Diplomatic and Consular Service, later tying a necktie around his head and commando-crawling through a maze of tunnels he built using furniture from the John Quincy Adams State Drawing Room.
The 65-year-old then reportedly arranged stacks of correspondence from the Office of the Undersecretary for Arms Control and International Security, which he positioned as bowling pins and attempted to knock down with a rolling swivel chair. Sources confirmed the Secretary also soiled and ruined several Persian rugs by crouching in a half-full mop bucket and spraying a fire extinguisher as a rudimentary form of propulsion.
"Hi, Domino's? This is Scott Pruitt speaking. I want to order 200 pizzas to the Environmental Protection Agency office—with extra anchovies—and step on it!" said a giggling Tillerson, speaking in a high-pitched falsetto voice while wrapping the phone cord around his head. "Oh, and if those pizzas aren't in my office in 30 minutes, the government is going to sue you for all you've got."
"Also, climate change is real!" he added, slamming down the phone and filling his mouth with whipped cream from two canisters simultaneously.
According to sources, Tillerson spent much of the afternoon shredding official documents, including the justification for the use of military force in Syria and the formal resignation from the Paris Climate Accord, whose remains he tossed into the air like confetti. Sources reported that he also commandeered a framed map from the Diplomatic Reception Room to sled down the vacant stairwells before pressing all the elevator buttons and racing it back to the building's top floor.
In addition, sources said that at one point, while duck-walking through the Edward Vason Jones Memorial Hall, the former ExxonMobil CEO tripped and crashed into a marble bust of George Washington—on which he had previously drawn a handlebar mustache—knocking it to the floor and shattering it. He then reportedly grabbed the pieces and brought them to a nearby window, alternately yelling "tally-ho!" and "I'm bored" as he heaved each of them onto the sidewalk.
At press time, Tillerson was mooning a busload of Taiwanese tourists when U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley walked in.
Source: https://www.refugeforums.com/threads/man-i-love-the-onion.1030680/
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